Remember that time I was all, “tra la la, I’m having a great time with my friends from North Carolina, summer is so fun”?
Yeah, well after that glorious four day event and a few days of work, I got slapped in the face 25 times by the stomach flu. Again. Yes, I already battled it once and apparently it just sat in my blood stream to make itself present again a week later.
Stomach flus, in my opinion, are the worst. And even more so when the summer days are cooler rather than stifling hot, and everyone is outside doing outdoorsy activities, eating on the riverfront, and drinking at sunset.
And even more so when it falls on a weekend. Woof.
Without further ado, let’s talk about lessons I’ve learned over the last four days whilst not being able to keep food in my abdomen region.
(I promise, things will not get graphic.)
1. Pedialyte is a mother effing godsend. This is not the first time I’ve sworn by Pedialyte during the stomach flu. That shit works better than Gatorade (seriously). Should you ever be dehydrated, whether it from a virus or from excessive debauchery, go purchase this sweet nectar of the gods. Then thank me later.
2. How To Train Your Dragon is an exceptional motion picture. I watched this movie three times during my flu bout—two of which were back to back and in the wee hours of the morning. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. I am a sucker for Dreamworks and Pixar movies and anything pertaining to dragons. So it’s no surprise that I fell in love with a movie about a boy who befriends a dragon and makes said dragon his pet. This was my dream in the sixth grade. Not joking. I dreamt about having pet dragons and velociraptors. I don’t understand why this hasn’t happened yet. Also, the dragon looks like my friend’s cat, so that’s another point in my book. Which brings me to my next point…
3. I might be a reptile and/or amphibian. On average, my body temperature seems to be around 97°F, slightly cooler than the standard 98.6° human body temp. When I get fevers, not only is it very rare, but it barely breaks 99°. While I’m feeling like death warmed over and breaking out in buckets of sweat, I take my temperature to see that it’s only 98.7°. Why is this? Seriously, doctors and nurses, what say you? The only time I can remember having a fever over 100 was when I had the chicken pox (which was twice) and when I had a kidney/bladder infection in college (to which it rose to 104 and I immediately went to the doctor). Am I some sort of amphibious creature?
4. No matter how sick I am, I will crave cheese.
Sad, but true. I reached the state of being overly irritated on Saturday afternoon when I was starving out of my gourd yet nothing would stay in my stomach longer than 20 minutes. Worse is that I wanted cheese. All the cheese in all the land. Unfortunately for me, I knew my beautiful raw goat’s milk cheese in the fridge would not suit my bowels well, so I only had one slice. It was enough to satiate my needs without making me overly sick. Sweet Christ, I don’t know what I would do without cheese.
5. Laguna Beach is seriously not as grand as I remember it to be. In fact, it’s the worst. Really. I used to “watch this with my girls” and “get pumped up” for Tuesday nights, aka Laguna Beach night. The funny thing is that I watched the entire first season on Friday night. Like all good reality television, it was like watching the same train wreck over and over leaving you to not look away. These kids are going to Cabo San Lucas for spring break. I’m sorry, you’re how old? Where are the parents? If I asked to go to Mexico when I was 16, my parents would have said one of two things: “Good, let’s make this a family trip” or “You’re out of your mind, I’m chaining you to the bed posts.” Also, Kristin, stop whining. Trey, cut your hair. Stephen, bravo, for you managed to juggle two girls your entire senior year. I’m sure most guys your age would call you somewhat of a “legend”.
And in case you were interested in learning what these kids are up to these days, I found a glorious website giving an in-depth report.
So, on the mend (let’s all knock on wood, please) and another week of
training/summer fun commence to start.
Someone pass the cheese.